STOP CONTROLLING PEOPLE

START CONTROLLING RESPONSES

My earliest, most powerful definition of “safe” was control. Raised within the household of an alcoholic father and anxious mother, I was taught the outside world was a constant threat. Inside that fear, the only safety I understood was total vigilance.

This trauma became my compass. In adulthood, I sought partners I could manage, believing that love meant total ownership. My relationships were cycles of anxiety, self-sabotage, and mental abuse—a constant, toxic dance fueled by anger, frequent emotional extremes, and the ever-present threat of Fight or Flight. I desperately tried to manage every person and every outcome, and every time, I broke myself and the person I claimed to love.

The cycle peaked with my previous partner—a man who saw through my chaos and challenged my control. When my mind, intoxicated by tension and hypervigilance, felt the grip slipping, I acted out the only way I knew how. One day, fueled by rage and disgust, I ended our relationship over the phone over a petty matter, over emotional damage that had been building for a while, ones I refused to acknowledge and take action. But the emotional wreckage didn’t stop there: I tried to turn his staff against him, poisoned his relationships with trusted colleagues, and deactivated our joint business accounts.

That moment of malicious, calculated destruction was my mirror. The truth shattered me: I wasn’t loving him; I was trying to own and punish him. I saw that I had become the abuser in that relationship—wielding the very same tools of destruction I had sought to escape.

That brutal realization forced the shift. Slowly, painfully, I owned the patterns, accepted the self-loathing, and chose to pivot. I learned the only true, non-destructive power we possess is the ability to self-regulate, feel deeply, and love wisely.

My purpose now is simple: to help you cultivate the same critical awareness. This book is not about worshipping blind positivity; it’s a map from the wreckage to the rebuild. It is about forgoing the comfort of numbing so you can truly accept the hurt and develop genuine kindness, courage, and compassion through lived, accepted truths.